Media, Expectations, and Virginity

In the media, specifically movies, losing your virginity is the greatest thing you can do. It's a beautiful moment in your life no matter who it's with, where it is, or when it's done. It's expected and characters who still have their virginity are ridiculed. Either that or the idea of taking someone's virginity is put on a pedestal. As if you get a prize for doing so. Sometimes it's even the whole point of the movie.

If that's where we're getting our expectations, it's no wonder our world is so overly sexualized. It's no wonder people continue to seek the thrill they see in the movies. It's no wonder people are constantly seeking more. It's no wonder people are confused when losing their virginity isn't what they expected.

It certainly wasn't what I had expected. I know that I'm not alone in that. I've heard it from many people both secular and religious and I think it's important to talk about.

When I lost my virginity, I cried. Not because it was a beautiful moment, but because I felt ashamed. Obviously, I had sex before I was married, I mean I got pregnant while we were engaged. God doesn't want us to feel shame, but when we go against His design, it's easy to feel that way. The Holy Spirit convicts us to understand what we did was wrong, but the devil makes us feel ashamed for doing wrong.

The moment it happened, the devil had a foothold in my life. I was embarrassed and shame had me spiraling.

I want to be very clear that while God has a design for sex and marriage, when we miss that mark, it's not Him who makes us feel ashamed. There is no shame in Christ. But there is a perfect design for marriage and sex and that design is important.

For me, virginity had always been the end-all be-all. I held my virginity on a pedestal and allowed it to be my identity at one point.

Even when I was struggling with knowing what I actually believed, I knew I wanted to save myself for marriage. So I surprised myself when I allowed myself to have sex before that.

When I used to mess up and find myself falling into sin, I allowed myself to rationalize it by saying, "Well at least I haven't had sex," as if sex was the unforgiveable sin. And it's not. No wonder I continued to spiral.

When I gave up my virginity, I lost a part of who I was. My mental health took a decline because I was no longer the person I had always believed myself to be. That's why it's important to not put your identity in anything other than Christ. Maybe if my identity had actually been in Christ, I would have known there was no shame in Him. Maybe I would have had an easier time turning back to Him.

Honestly, it all made me worried that when I got married that shame wouldn't go away. Fortunately, we serve a really great God, and God redeemed this part of my story and I know He can redeem yours too.

There is so much I can say about virginity. How purity doesn't equal virginity. How you can be a "born again virgin." How being a victim of sexual assault or abuse doesn't mean your virginity is gone. And how there are so many other reasons people find losing their virginity to not be what they expected.

But this is my experience with it and I know that it can help someone. Maybe it'll even inspire someone else to share their own story.

One thing I do want to add is, even if you do save yourself for marriage, which I do recommend, I would warn you not to have this detailed idea of what it's going to be like and how it's going to make you feel. I genuinely don't think expectations for your first time having sex is a good idea. I've heard plenty of stories of others sharing their experiences with this.

But I will also say, sex in marriage is a beautiful thing. You get to work together to learn what you like and what you don't like. You get to try new things with your person. Since getting married, I've learned that God's design for marriage and sex truly is a beautiful thing. Exploring these things with your spouse is more amazing than any movie can make losing your virginity and having sex with all sorts of people look like.

So, while I don't recommend expectations or following the medias representation of virginity and sex, I do recommend learning, exploring, and growing with your spouse. Because sex in marriage truly is a beautiful thing. I couldn't finish this blog without pointing that out.